RANTS OF A 20+ SOMETHING GUY.
Mid-life crisis right now.
Stage 1: Denial
I thought it was just one of the usual fights we have. We’ll stop talking for a day or two and then one would initiate to contact the other. We’ll talk about what happened, sort some things out together and then everything goes back to normal. I waited for two days. I waited for three days. I waited for a week. I waited because I was still hoping that you were just trying to sort some things out yourself. That you just needed some time alone. Everyone needs some alone time to think, right? Everyone needs it. So maybe that’s what you wanted. So I waited.
Stage 2: Anger
I could still remember how easy the words came out of your mouth as if it was just some random shit that happened that day. Something happened. I tried deductive reasoning and when I still couldn’t figure out the premises for the conclusion, I tried inductive. Still I couldn’t. I couldn’t even remember what happened days, weeks before. All my thoughts were drowned by those two words. Something. Happened. Intense emotions started pouring once I’ve fully realized that there was nothing to go back to. And fuck you.
Stage 3: Bargaining
Mine was actually different. Bargaining came before anger. Or maybe they both happened at the same time. That last day, I asked you if maybe we could just start again. Maybe we could make this work out for the last time. Three years. That’s something worth fighting right? You said no. You said we need this. Fuck you. You need this.
Stage 4: Depression
You know the feeling of getting used to everyday for three years of having you there for me especially when I feel like everyone’s against me. Of your constant reminders and I love yous. Of your jokes. Of you.
Every day until now I would still wake up hoping, maybe, just maybe, there would be a message on my phone telling me you’ve already sorted everything out. Asking if maybe we could still give this a try. That maybe it’s not yet too late to go back. But then reality slaps me in the face. There’s nothing to go back to. You need to move forward.
You see, this stage usually takes the longest of the five. And right now, I am completely submerged in it, hoping that one day I would just feel in love with the memories we had together and no longer to the person I had those memories with.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Ang masakit lang kasi e yung walang kasiguraduhang pagaantay. Yung walang kongkretong Oo o Hindi. Yung nasa gitna ka ng dalawang reyalidad tapos di mo alam kung aling reyalidad yung pipiliin mo. Kasi sa loob loob mo ay nagaantay ka pa din na babalik siya. Pero may parte din na nagmamakaawang bitawan mo na.
You have to get through this. You will get through this, eventually, no matter how fucked up you already are. Think of it as if you’re just breathing. Breathe all the pain in, then exhale it all out until no more pain is left.
I know you’re wise enough to make the right decisions.
At the end of the day, while you’re lying on your bed thinking how your day was, the question which would constantly cross your mind is if you’re happy. Masaya ka ba? Masaya ka ba sa buhay mo? Tama ba yung mga naging desisyon mo? Would you make the same decisions if those situations happened today? What if instead of saying yes, you said no? What if instead of letting go, you held on a little longer? Would that change things? What if instead of holding on, you let go? Would you be happier?
Of course, you would never know. Those will be questions which will forever be unanswered. But you can’t linger on the thought of what ifs. You have to face what’s right now. Sabi nga nila, everything happens for a reason. At naniniwala ako na kaya mo mas piniling masaktan kasi mas higit pa din yung pagmamahal.
Hindi ka na magaling sa salita katulad nung una kitang nakilala. Ultimo maghabi nito para makabuo ng isang pahayag ay nakalimutan mo na.
Tila nalunod ka na sa umaagos na pangkaraniwan at nagpatangay na lamang sa rumaragasang alon ng walang hanggan.
Nasaan ka na.
I hate spoiled brats. I hate it when a kid starts acting like a bitch because he/she wasn’t able to get what he/she wanted.
I get it. They’re just kids. But I don’t care. As early as possible, parents should be teaching them about the basics of life: that you can’t fucking get everything you want. I was raised that way and as early as I can remember, I was contented on what was handed and given to me. And I’m cool with that because as early as possible, my parents were able to tell and show me that this is how life fucks us. Not everything is on a silver plate with a silver spoon and a silver fork. And sometimes, it’s just really not possible to get something you really fucking want.
This is why I don’t want to teach Elementary or Prep kids. I think most of them are spoiled bitches and I can’t handle that. Imagine this. A kid in school wants to go home because she wants to play on her laptop or because she wants to see her dog or maybe she just wants to go home for no fucking reason. I mean, why? You’re in school goddamnit. You shouldn’t have enrolled in the first place if you’ll be acting like this.
He’s there, you just haven’t noticed him. He’s been looking at you for an hour now. He’s been thinking how much pain you would be able to handle. Seventeen minutes ago, he wanted to surprise you by grappling your neck and dragging you towards the closet in front of your bed. He imagined banging your head to that metal pole inside and leaving you there bleeding and unconscious. But then he thought that would not be enough. He waited. Until now, he’s waiting. Looking at you intently, making sure you never leave his eyes. Beware. He’s watching your every move.
Kaninang pauwi ako, nadaanan ko ‘tong Public Elementary School na kung saan e may kinakabit na aircon sa Principal’s Office nila. I think I’ve noticed this before sa ibang public schools pero hindi ko lang pinapansin o feeling ko hindi masyadong nagma-matter, but now, I am questioning it. Bakit kailangan ng Principal’s Office ng aircon samantalang yung ibang rooms sa school e wala naman (including the faculty rooms). Para saan yung aircon? Bakit kailangang pampered ang Principal at ang mga guro at estudyante ay nagtitiis sa init sa loob ng rooms. I know it’s not practical and feasible for the Department of Education to put air-conditions in all the rooms in public schools, but why put an exemption for the Principal’s office? The school is the one paying for the electricity as far as I can remember and I don’t see any relevant purpose on why this is.
If that was a Private School, I would understand but that’s not the case.